just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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