I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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