separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
