In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
