I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
