he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
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I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
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Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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