omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He keeps bees of course he's weird
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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