M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
