i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
