Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
