After last night, I could never be a politician.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
