I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
