I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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