I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
my sisters under your porch take her home
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
