no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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