I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
And then my night got REAL pukey
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
