So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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