the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
it's like iHOP with fire
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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