Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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