I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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