there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
