So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
