You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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