I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
