I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
