It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
