he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
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Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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