If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
