i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
