this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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