3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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