I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
