what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
