I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
