she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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