I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
