he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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