the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
