then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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