so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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