Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
