all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
