I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
