How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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