I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
