I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
