just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Is it because I queefed?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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