I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
