after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
