The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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