Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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