you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
