girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
