Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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