You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
